Tag! YOUR it!

Which way would you prefer to follow God's will for your life?
The youth group leader sits on the back of a chair, posing the question to ten kids. I sit, one of five adults who are there to answer questions and lead them.
Option one. I will follow God's will, but I want to know what, when, and how, and what the outcome will be.
The question tumbles out of his mouth and he has to say it again. I catch it the second time around.
Option two. You tell me where to go, Lord, and I will follow, step by step.
He searches for a spark of understanding among the faces of the kids. Twelve, thirteen, eleven. Middle school. Pre-teen. Just learning about dating and cliques. Fighting with more than we could have imagined at that age.
One boy raises his hand. "I think one."
A girl delicately and quietly responds "I choose two."

While I sit and try to listen to the kids answer, it hits me. This lesson isn't directed at the youth group. It's directed at me. I want my option to be number two, because that's the right answer. But really, I have chosen number one. (You can read it in my last post or you can just believe me.)

All at once the pieces fall into place and it becomes crystal clear- I have not been asking for direction, I have been asking for answers and results!

Tell me the end of the story, then I will read it! I want to know if I win before I start the race! Before I turn left I want to know the end of the road! Before I move to Iowa I want to know WHY we are going! If I am going to stay at home, tell me the purpose! If I am going to support my husband wholeheartedly show me the benefits! I want to go on your adventure, Lord, and I want to be excited, but show me not just the path but also the prize!

I search the room, self-talk ruining the lesson for me. I haven't heard anything the leader has said for minutes now. I see the pastor standing in back, also contemplating the scriptures being read. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I think of how we came to Iowa...so naive. We knew only where our house was to be. We had plans, sure- for me to stay home and for us to have a house. We had no idea where God would lead us or how He would take care of us. Almost stubbornly we decided to follow His will for our lives, even though it meant giving up so much. We had no idea the friends we would meet here, the lives we would impact or the lives that would impact us. I had no idea the inner strength I would have to gain in order to survive and thrive as a new mom in a new land, and an old house. And yet, here I stand, watched over and cared for, better than I could have dreamed.

But it's easy to forget, right? It's easy to look past the friends (because they have been there) and the house (because it's just a place) and the support (you've been there for like, what, 9 months now...practically forever). Times get tough and I so easily forget who watches over me and how well I am taken care of -I scramble, like a cat that has lost its balance, searching for a foothold-just give me somewhere to stick and outstretched claw and put my world right-side up again!

All of this fear...uncertainty...can it be that I have lost sight? Can it be that I have begun to demand answers rather than just focus on living my life step by step? Oh ME of little faith! We are not asked to know all of the answers, only to follow.

Excited noise fills the room and I return from my reverie. I stand, too, ready to partake in the game which is already being organized. Glorified tag it is. I watch them run and laugh and build friendships. I squeal with them when, at a full sprint, one gets away from a pursuer. I taunt the hunters and side (secretly) with the prey. I don't know what they take home from the lesson...how much can you internalize at that age? I'm not really sure. But, just maybe, one day one of them will need to make a big decision-and they will remember this night- and the important stuff we talked about before playing tag.